Four Weddings and a Wedding

At the moment I’m house-sitting for a couple who was worried someone might steal all their worldly possessions while they are getting hitched. And I’m sitting here wondering when I turned into a person who doesn’t like weddings. I used to adore them, getting to enjoy and share another person’s happiest moment to date (presumably). Nowadays, they’re so frequent, it’s all becoming a blur. An expensive, alcohol-infused blur. Unless someone really put an effort into certain aspects, it’s basically a cookie-cutter wedding. Which seems disappointing and, to be honest, sad. You plan and plan, and pay so much attention to detail, but in the end you fail to produce anything that’s memorable.

The only weddings I genuinely remember are the extremely excellent (and therefore way way over most people’s conceivable budget) or the very poorly executed.

This is my attempt at writing a guide to enjoying a wedding, no matter what’s the wedding’s like. To all my friends with upcoming nuptials, please don’t take offense.  

  1. Bring a friend – some weddings I’ve been to I only knew a handful of people, and they usually brought dates, so you spend most of the evening feeling like a third wheel and trying to look casual, when the only thing you’re thinking is “why doesn’t anyone talk to me?”. If you’re dateless, do the unconventional and just bring a good friend. You’re already blowing cash on this event why also waste time? If he/she doesn’t know the couple, it’s even better, cause then you can gossip freely about the quality of the evening.
  2. Drink – this cannot be stressed enough. It’s better to fork up the money for a cab than to come home sober. First thing you should do as you walk through the gate is survey the bar, if nothing suits your fancy, just drink wine. It can never be too bad. (And beats the hell out of trying to get through the next day with a searing hangover caused by fake vodka)
  3. Eat sporadically, and only recommended food – there’s no point in eating empty calories, no need to gain weight just cause you’re paying premium prices for the food. It’s never spectacular, especially in the holy-kosher land. So make sure you ask someone who has tried the food first for their opinion.
  4. Don’t talk to the bride or groom – they won’t remember anything you say anyway, so why bother acting nice (unless they’re good friends of yours and then you should completely disregard this bullet).
  5. Try to keep your camera exposure to a minimum – no matter how hard you try, it’s almost never flattering. And you don’t need some poor grandma looking through the photo album wondering who you are and trying to set you up with someone else’s grandchild.

Full disclosure, I’ve tried the aforementioned plan of attack at a wedding and it seems to not be fool-proof, i.e if the DJ is a tool (or was given a very specific set list and a strict order to follow it – who plays Arcade Fire during dinner?), there’s no conceivable way you can enjoy a wedding. Thanks for starting to play the good music when we were on our way out, guy.

If you have better suggestions – I’d love to hear them in the comments.

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2 Responses to Four Weddings and a Wedding

  1. buffer says:

    I think you should commence a “Just say NO” campaign (as part of the social justice movement). If you need a “plan of attack” to enjoy a weeding, you shouldn’t go in the first place. We need to make it socially acceptable to directly refuse an invitation to a wedding. Saying NO to an invitation is not an insult, it’s not a sign of cheapness, or anything else. It just means you won’t enjoy being at a wedding. And it’s OK.

    If the campaign succeeds, over time, those giving the wedding will start sending out less invitations, planning from the start for a smaller wedding. This will allow much more reasonable and personal events than today’s “cookie-cutter” brouhaha.

    Step 1. Open a Facebook group.
    Step 2. …
    Step 3. Everybody wins.

  2. Stas says:

    I actually remember the times you were excited about weddings months before…

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